Rinpoche says we should welcome problems ..

..because through them we work out past karmic issues.  I think maybe I've shaved off the badness of a couple of lifetimes during the past 10 weeks.  Yeah, I fell out of my old job and into a new temp one -- that was supposed to last 3 months and actually lasted 3 weeks.  Then I was hustled by a BUNCH of recruiters, all of whom promised they could get me into another temp job, and all of whom failed to manage that.  I went on one interview in Ohio that a recruiter told me was a slam dunk -- NOT.  Then I got hustled by a surgeon that I know from an internet critical care medicine list, who said "This isn't a guarantee, but it's close enough for government work" on Sunday, and the following Friday said "We've decided not to pursue your application for our position ..." after I made a flying trip to Atlanta.

I gotta learn not to talk about "the Civil War" when I'm below the Mason-Dixon line.

The job that I finally DID get hired for?  I literally said nearly nothing at the interview.

And the thing that's the biggest bummer is that I'm moving 7 1/2 hours south of Deer Park.  I will be closer to an FPMT group, in St. Louis, but I'm giving up the opportunity to profit fully from the teachings at Deer Park this coming spring.  Sigh.

The good news is that I'm volunteering for Liberation Prison Project, another FPMT group, and writing letters to prisoners to encourage their practice of the dharma.  Now I better get my butt in gear and take advantage of my new job (which is 7 days straight of work and then 7 days off) to spend some serious time practicing myself!!!

Bodhicitta in My Dreams - NOT!

In the past few weeks I've been working on Discovering Buddhism at Home module 10 on Developing Bodhicitta. In the readings for the module are all kinds of stories about bodhisattvas giving themselves as food for animals, and giving up their lives willingly for all kinds of other reasons.

Last night I dreamt about working in a hospital where there had been a series of murders, and somehow I found myself as bait in a scheme to catch the killer. At one point in the dream I said to the open air, "Just remember, I volunteered to catch somebody, not to get killed!!"

When I woke up I thought, bodhicitta -- NOT!!

Such an opportunity!

Rinpoche says that every time something sucky happens, one should remember that it's our karma that brings it on, and that this memory will make the experience easier.

I guess he's right, because two days ago I lost my job and I still haven't had the sobbing, shaking panic attack I would have expected... I spent a couple of hours incredibly pissed off, muttering "anger is poison, anger is poison.." but it didn't last very long.

Also (since I saw this coming a week ago after a talk with my supervisor) it's only taken me a week to line up a temporary gig, and I have an interview for a new job early next month, back in the town we came from before THIS job.

Maybe karma really does triumph over dogma.

a glimpse of bodhicitta

Tonight on MSNBC, by total accident, I caught a video of lions hunting. Three lionesses had cut away a buffalo cub and were getting ready to kill and divide it. The buffalo herd had run away -- until suddenly the WHOLE herd turned and came back to chase away the lionesses and rescue the buffalo calf.

The module of Discovering Buddhism at Home that I am now working on is called "Developing Bodhicitta". I had just finished reading three sections of Liberation in the Palm of Your Hand that discuss the topic, so when I ran the video back for my partner to see the miracle rescue, I said "I can't imagine what it would be like to live like that ..." and started to cry!!

I wonder if that's what bodhicitta is like -- if so, that too must be tremendously difficult.

I dedicate whatever virtues I have ever collected

For the benefit of the teachings and of all sentient beings,

And in particular, for the essential teachings

Of perfect, pure Losang Drapa to shine forever.

Compassion Fatigue, part 2

I work in a business which is mostly powered by stupidity -- I take care of people who drink and drive and then run their cars into kids on bicycles, who think it's smart to text while they drive, who ride donorcycles ... uh, motorcycles in shorts and flipflops and of course without a helmet.  You get the idea.  Then there's the guy who decided to smoke after cleaning his grill top with gasoline.  In a closed garage.

I even have a t-shirt that says "Your stupidity is my job security" -- and another one that says "Hi, I'm your nurse.  What stupid fucking thing did YOU do?"

That's one big reason why I started to investigate Tibetan Buddhism.  After all, the Dalai Lama is all about compassion.

And heaven help us all, it might actually be rubbing off!!

Today at work I was leaving the bathroom when I noticed a woman who looked as if she'd been crying, and was dabbing her face with a cold, wet paper towel.  Some evil spirit seized me and I put my hand on her elbow and asked, "Are you OK?  Can I do anything for you?"

And I didn't even have my hospital ID on!!

A Little About DBAH

DBAH is Discovering Buddhism at Home, the FPMT program that I'm studying.  Today, out of abject curiosity, I decided to see how many root texts I'd read in translation as part of the 5 modules I've either begun (3, 5, 14) or finished (1 & 2).  It's a pretty amazing list, considering that this is a VERY basic program:

• Essence of Refined Gold (Dalai Lama III)
  
• Principal Teachings of Buddhism (Je Tsong Khapa)
  
• Lamp Thoroughly Illuminating the Presentation of the Three Basic Bodies (Yagjen Gaway Lodro)
  
• Wishes for Release from the Perilous Straits of the Intermediate State, Hero Releasing from Fright (Losang Chelkyi Gyeltsen, Panchen Lama I)
  
• Confession Sutra  with commentary by Arya Nagarjuna
  
• A Significant Sight, Commentary on the Bodhisattva's Confession of Downfalls (Sangye Yeshe)
  

Of course this is not all: the reading list just for the five modules I've worked or am working with includes 10 required books, 18 recommended books, and more than 30 articles or reprints, plus 4 - 8 hours of recorded classes for every module.  Each also has practice requirements, and a final retreat of from one to three days.  

FPMT expects that it will take at least two years to complete the course.  I expect it will take longer, if only because of those pesky 100,000 prostrations and mantras that have to be completed for Module 14, along with one two-week retreat and three three-day retreats just for that module.  However, the idea isn't speed, it's quality.

Back to my practices ....

Compassion Fatigue

This new book I'm reading says that what I suffer from is "compassion fatigue" -- the weariness of the full-time caregiver.  I suppose that's what I am, although right now I'm nursing the Electronic Medical Record at our place instead of actual people, and I'm not sure what bodhicitta means in relation to a computer.

There are days when I miss actually taking care of patients, when it's almost a physical ache.  There are days when I'm so fed up with people whose carelessness and stupidity winds up hurting themselves or others (see Darwin Award) that I wouldn't mind never seeing one again.  I guess that's why I'm doing the Buddhist thing.  I miss being enthusiastic about what is actually a privilege:  people let us into their lives when their lives are in the crapper, and we walk with them as they climb out.